I Met Myself Through You

I met myself through you on a cold, frosty night filled with laughs and butterflies telling her you should be mine forever. Or for now. It is funny how we were born in symmetry, infinitely bound by space and time. Whispers of things to come, that you would be mine. And I’d lose you and you’d lose me and together we’d be lost until…

I met myself through you again in the summer of 2009 when you were hers and he was mine. But yet we still awoke to a new days sunshine and cool breeze. In the early morning hours I’d leave but not for the last time.  

I met myself through your brokenness yet you were strong. Phone calls that lasted too long because I gave up but your words gave life, a knife that cut through my darkness and brought me to the light and to hope.  

I met myself through you in the winter of 2015 when things seemed to be through and I was over you until I wasn’t. And a night of passion turned into a dozen and a ring. And a lifetime, an eternity of “I do’s” and babies crying and first steps and me trying to be my best for you. True, they say you never know and retrospect is 20/20 but when I look back years from now I’ll remember how I met myself through you on a cold, frosty night filled with laughs and butterflies telling her that you’d be mine forever.

I Don’t Need You Now

I don’t need you now

I needed you when I was in school and felt afraid
Felt as if I’d lost my way
Felt like I did not fit in or wouldn’t make it through
That was when I needed you

I needed you when I had doubts
Things I couldn’t figure out
Felt like I would fail my tests
Sleepless nights I couldn’t rest
Wanted reassurance to get me through
That was when I needed you

You said you didn’t do long distance
Rejected despite my persistance
Said you weren’t ready to commit
Said you were dealing with some shit
Didn’t stop you from seeing her…guess she got you through…
That was when I needed you

I don’t need you now that I found me
Found joy and worth; security
Found God, better yet He found me
I finished school, got my degree
Say I’m what you want to settle down
But baby, I don’t need you now

Don’t need you now, in my career
Guess that’s why you showed up here
I’m happy, settled and complete
Sought after, wanted and pursued
You want me?  Babe, I don’t need you

So I guess this is bye
See you around…
Cuz guess what?
I don’t need you now

My Soul (Explicit)

My soul is bursting out of my skin
Thoughts of lovers and God and heaven and sin
Wish someone would let me in
Try love all over again
You win. I lose. You triumph. I bruise.
You move on to the next
As if all we had was sex
You were there when I graduated
Said you were proud, I finally made it
You held my hand when I was afraid
Said you’d fight when no one stayed
I guess it’s just a game you played…

You said you never meant it
Gave me your heart just to rescind it
You chose when to end it
Feels like I’m three days into this life sentence
I wince when I think of the last time I came
Only words on my lips were your sweet name
I can still hear them uttered that night
By the incessant rain and candlelight
I tried to fight as if I still possessed
A piece of your heart you may have left
You have no love for me now, or perhaps never cared
All the passionate trysts, all the dreams that we shared
Now staring down at this negative test
I have no reason to contact you again
As I lay here, soul bursting out of my skin
With thoughts of lovers and God and heaven and sin

Hold On

Hold on…
Feel like in slipping into oblivion
I’m living on
Star dust and purple ashes
Fake smiles and empty passion
High dreams and high fashion
Big words and small action
Not lasting; fading fast
Thinking of dads and rapists
God and satan
Wondering if I’ll really make it
Already feeling so far gone
Hold on

Enough

Enough. I am worth more than…

No I didn’t run today
I stayed wrapped in your arms
No I didn’t sing
I was enamored of your charm
I didn’t go out with my girls
I waited for your call
And when it didn’t come
I felt I was in a free fall
I lost myself to find you
I needed all your love
With you I was expendable
Could never be enough

Enough. I deserve more.

Hole

I gave you my heart when I was young
The joy of love, I was the one.
Your one. In your arms
I love you. My hero. My knight.
How things change almost overnight
You yell. I love you.
You hit me. I love you.
You’re mean. I love you.

The pain of love, I was the one
When you hit me
Yes it stung
But love it doesn’t walk away
Love prevails. I chose to stay.

I still love you to this day
We don’t talk. Don’t think you care
Tried so hard, life isn’t fair
I know now I’ve been made whole
But dad I’ll always have this hole

Life. Death.

Born into darkness
Born into light
Lived in the sun
Lurked through the night
Filled with fury, passion, pain
Loved and lost, loved and gained
Died ten times to be made whole
Cried until my spirit soared
Shared in grief, shared in joy
Contributed to all the noise
My spirit learning, soul set free
Finally I found me

On that fateful day
When I inhale my last breath
My soul to leave this earth
My body laid to rest
Remember the best of me
That I loved and lived
Touched countless lives
Chose to forgive
I found God…or he found me
Finally I’ll be set free

Mistakes

I made mistakes. You did too. Not saying I’m in love with you. Not saying we should last forever; not saying we should be together. My heart is lonely when you’re not here. Without you near, I’m suffocating. Fake a smile; I’m emulating the me that I used to be when you were right here next to me. Feeling like you’re really done. Miss you. Am I the only one? Should I give up and walk away? I wish that you would make me stay. Lace my fingers inside yours. Turn off the lights and close the door. Your beating heart against my chest…been missing it, put my mind to rest; send me a text “I miss you too”. So many things we didn’t do. Make me choose. I’d choose you. You say you’re scared, well I’m scared too. Scared I’ll fall in love too fast; scared that we can’t make this last. Scared you’ll want to walk away, me not enough to make you stay. Please stay. Say you’ll try and so will I. If you leave, I won’t die. Can’t say that you won’t see me cry. Can’t say I’ll be alright tonight. I made mistakes. But you did too. At least I’m not in love with you.

Generations

Life is short and it is drifting by…

Last night I saw my mommy cry and daddy is not home
He is not coming back and mommy’s raising us alone
The man came by and gave us three days to leave
Packing the only home I’ve ever known
Wiping the tears on my sleeve; we grieve
Retrieve the memories of love once felt
Love once shared
Before the alcohol…love was there
And now just four bare walls
Four lost souls
Three kids one mommy
No where to go
Daddy called, wants mommy back
Now once again her eyes are black
Just like that, her eyes are black

All grown up but still a child
Running from my mistakes now
Some dig holes to escape
I’m slowly digging my own grave
All grown up, my own black eyes
Mommy taught me not to cry
Mommy said stick by his side
Never let them see you cry
Two little girls, Gracie and Alex
Needing direction, needing protection
Needing someone strong enough to take action
I never learned how, it’s too late now
Trying to keep this house a home
Don’t wanna raise my girls alone

All grown up she comes to visit
Blue black eyes I couldn’t miss it
If I had a thousand wishes
I’d use them all to have been strong
Leave that man, leave that home
Strength to raise my girls alone

Blue Eyes

New.

Blue eyes, smooth guise.  In a matter of days between my thighs.  Long nights, no cares.  Fingers tangled in my hair.  His stare.  Bone chilling, mind thrilling.

No thoughts for the future.  Learned that from the past.  No stress for tomorrow, or making this last.  The last time, so deep inside me he creeped into my mind.  Time stopped, time wasting, hands around my throat, heart racing.

Tasting his kiss, feeling his touch.  Wishing for nothing and everything at once. I blush. He sweats. Blood rushes.  I forget all the reasons to say no.  Lost in the throes of passion, any and all inhibition crashing…

Decisions made – not good, not bad.

We are.

It is.

So happy…yet sad.

Enjoying one another.  Texts and phone calls shouldn’t make me flutter, shouldn’t think about that night, makes my insides shutter and ache.  This might not be forever but can’t call it a mistake.  I’ll take another night before we say goodbye….

I’ll laugh in his arms or maybe I’ll cry.  Maybe I’ll live or maybe we’ll die.  I’ll try.

New.

Blue eyes.