Mistakes

•April 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I made mistakes. You did too. Not saying I’m in love with you. Not saying we should last forever; not saying we should be together. My heart is lonely when you’re not here. Without you near, I’m suffocating. Fake a smile; I’m emulating the me that I used to be when you were right here next to me. Feeling like you’re really done. Miss you. Am I the only one? Should I give up and walk away? I wish that you would make me stay. Lace my fingers inside yours. Turn off the lights and close the door. Your beating heart against my chest…been missing it, put my mind to rest; send me a text “I miss you too”. So many things we didn’t do. Make me choose. I’d choose you. You say you’re scared, well I’m scared too. Scared I’ll fall in love too fast; scared that we can’t make this last. Scared you’ll want to walk away, me not enough to make you stay. Please stay. Say you’ll try and so will I. If you leave, I won’t die. Can’t say that you won’t see me cry. Can’t say I’ll be alright tonight. I made mistakes. But you did too. At least I’m not in love with you.

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Generations

•December 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Life is short and it is drifting by…

Last night I saw my mommy cry and daddy is not home
He is not coming back and mommy’s raising us alone
The man came by and gave us three days to leave
Packing the only home I’ve ever known
Wiping the tears on my sleeve; we grieve
Retrieve the memories of love once felt
Love once shared
Before the alcohol…love was there
And now just four bare walls
Four lost souls
Three kids one mommy
No where to go
Daddy called, wants mommy back
Now once again her eyes are black
Just like that, her eyes are black

All grown up but still a child
Running from my mistakes now
Some dig holes to escape
I’m slowly digging my own grave
All grown up, my own black eyes
Mommy taught me not to cry
Mommy said stick by his side
Never let them see you cry
Two little girls, Gracie and Alex
Needing direction, needing protection
Needing someone strong enough to take action
I never learned how, it’s too late now
Trying to keep this house a home
Don’t wanna raise my girls alone

All grown up she comes to visit
Blue black eyes I couldn’t miss it
If I had a thousand wishes
I’d use them all to have been strong
Leave that man, leave that home
Strength to raise my girls alone

Blue Eyes

•December 19, 2013 • 3 Comments

New.

Blue eyes, smooth guise.  In a matter of days between my thighs.  Long nights, no cares.  Fingers tangled in my hair.  His stare.  Bone chilling, mind thrilling.

No thoughts for the future.  Learned that from the past.  No stress for tomorrow, or making this last.  The last time, so deep inside me he creeped into my mind.  Time stopped, time wasting, hands around my throat, heart racing.

Tasting his kiss, feeling his touch.  Wishing for nothing and everything at once. I blush. He sweats. Blood rushes.  I forget all the reasons to say no.  Lost in the throes of passion, any and all inhibition crashing…

Decisions made – not good, not bad.

We are.

It is.

So happy…yet sad.

Enjoying one another.  Texts and phone calls shouldn’t make me flutter, shouldn’t think about that night, makes my insides shutter and ache.  This might not be forever but can’t call it a mistake.  I’ll take another night before we say goodbye….

I’ll laugh in his arms or maybe I’ll cry.  Maybe I’ll live or maybe we’ll die.  I’ll try.

New.

Blue eyes.

Freedom

•November 24, 2013 • 2 Comments

I have held and tasted freedom; felt the warmth of beauty; seen the vibrancy of colors, the smiles of mothers holding their child for the first time.

I have felt the joy of friendship and family; laughed without the sting of emptiness lasting after the smile ends and the sun fades into the distance.  I miss it.

Freedom from the darkness that shades me, the black hole that made me into the whore my mother never was, the b*tch that never loves, the eager smile that does whatever he wants.

I held freedom so tightly in my clenched fingers and expected it wholeheartedly to linger forever but they say nothing lasts forever but death.  They forgot the depth of my darkness because it seems never ending like an abyss.

I loosened my grip on freedom when the pain consumed me, I wrapped myself in chains and started to lose me in the darkness.  And now freedom feels so far away and the voices they beg me to stay for a while.  Even though I want to leave, can’t feel my steps, can’t hardly breathe.  Can’t see the light that I once knew that bought my freedom, others’ too. Now all I want…no…all I need is someone who can set me free…once more.  Close the door of the past and have another chance to love and remember how it was…

To hold and taste freedom; feel the warmth of beauty; see the vibrancy of colors the smiles of mothers holding their child for the first time.

Inescapable

•September 5, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Inescapable; I can’t escape the thought of you.  Irreplaceable; I can’t replace the essence of you.  Your presence, breath-taking.  Your absence, suffocating…Inescapable in mind, inescapable in time, every word and every smile repeatedly on rewind so that not one moment is lost from my memory.

Memories….try to remember the last words said, mixed with those I imagined.  Saddened by your absence, comforted by your presence and your hand on the small of my back when we embrace, hearts race, or maybe just mine.  So fine like rich aged expensive top shelf wine.  I wonder if, with time, I’ll wake up next to you, chest to you, legs wrapped around your waist, the sex with you…I wonder.

Lost by your secrecy, maddened by your distance, confused by your actions, captured by your persistence.  Pissed when you are away, forgotten madness just to hear you say my name.  Frustration melts into oblivion, kept within when our eyes meet.  I adore every detail I take in when I see you again.  Speckled grays in your hair from time and life, your mind filled with stories I’ll hear…one night.  Words lost in the sea of your eyes, pulsing anger turns to pulsing blood gathering between my thighs.  I try to focus but lose, choose to get lost in your “I need another chance” and “I’m not this man” and “Can we start again?”

Willing to fight a battle with a stranger when I’m unaware of the cost, for worse or for better, all because I feel like I’ve known you forever.  I wish every embrace could last forever, an inescapable moment in time.  Inescapable in my mind.